Random rambling!!

After having written some 500+ posts here on this blog, changing the URLs twice and all - this time I feel like shutting it down completely and deleting its very existence. An insanely crazy, personal and rubbish write it is which I don't want to look back to right now - hopefully not in future either because there is nothing that I would like to carry from back there - not even the same old me i.e. It started when blogging had just caught on a bit of fire - I just penned down every damn thing here including the college days, exams n crushes along with the cribs n joys n what not. There was this another blog that I used to have where there were tech notes - there was this photoblog that I updated daily for about an year and they all vanished into thin air but this one survived. Now, its near extinction maybe - I need a change and I need it soon.

Relied on people a lot and one day I gave up - then there was the blog where I chose to open up in a cryptic little way where it was just one person other than me who I claim to be one who could be close to deciphering the writes even without knowing the matter but that blogger no longer blogs :x Few others were just close enough wherein I opened up completely making myself naked n vulnerable to more hurt and that eventually happens I realize. After all this, I fall back to phone calls and people whom I would love to talk too but there again you have that feeling that you are forcing a conversation which wasn't supposed to happen - atleast the others didn't find it necessary that you talk.
I cared a lot only to hear that I shouldn't as it freaks people out and there were others who liked it and thanked me for doing that bit. Stayed confused as to whom do I change for. If I don't, a few people stay away from me and if I do, the ones closer go a bit away. Should have fallen back here but strangely, not this time - atleast I don't feel like.

Tokyo happened and it happened for good. Months ago I was told how it feels to have someone reach you when you are miles away in a different continent - how it feels otherwise when you see that you are so disconnected from all that was around you yesterday and the people who were there, don't miss you. I was told that it feels terrible - it actually does. When one moves out of place, there aren't any wings added neither are there any truck load of pals who'll travel with/around you - its expected that just because you're in a different nation, you will mingle around there and forget everything. Am amazed because that is exactly what does not happen. Here, neither am I able to connect back to the pals back home just because they don't deem it necessary nor am I able to strike conversations here. Thanks to my luck that I am in Japan where people atleast know how to respect another human and atleast have the courtesy to help no matter what they were doing themselves. I have seen the Japanese helping me more than what my own countrymen did for me. If there was somebody whom you would give your life for, let it be some Japanese person I say - you will die content, happy and comfortable.

Seems again like a random rambling - thats that!

Looks like Friday the 13th affects me two days late nevertheless it does..
I feel alone n I feel a void with some people around me who were always reachable, missing. I wish to speak to some yet the space n disconnect between us stops me. There are some who were around but with this distance, it seems like they are not at all feeling that sudden void. Currently in a state where I cannot be more alone and talking about it, its one perfect way to escape, to cease to exist for everybody from the past n present.
The Japanese around here are a million times more helpful than the Indians here in Tokyo. Trust me, its true. Damn it! I would be ashamed to call myself an Indian seeing the people here. An Indian is inherently selfish and wouldn't budge out of his usual schedule to help a stranger -I know I'm generalizing but that is because 95% of us can be put on one side and only 5 will be on the other whereas with the Japanese, even if they can barely understand English, they will take enough care to help you as much as possible. Need a contrast -compare the usual Tamilians with the rest of India. Like how Chennai can be outcast separately from our nations for the behavior of people there, so can be done with India as a whole when compared to the Japanese. These people here hold their culture to utmost respect - something I see Tamilians boasting about but hell, I wish they had some common sense. Oh, you feel am compartmentalizing too - well, you cannot cut me off anymore because I no longer feel connected.

For ages, I wish I could call myself a Global Citizen - I wish I could give up on the surname culture of India and many such things. What good are these cultures when the very basics of these moral lessons don't teach you how to treat a fellow human. Abolish the color, boundaries and castes - the world would become more peaceful and more harmonious and I wouldn't have been tempted to write such a note about my own countrymen. Ah, my own is an oxymoron here.

I am avoiding talking about the word "friend" again - its one of the most debatable things I have ever come across in life.

Leave me alone - please! I'll chose to stay only with those who can bear the care I show and also now how to reciprocate it well!

this n that - documented again

Realized it quite late that our presence or absence matters quite less to people sometimes.

Was at the airport when she called me up - nothing else mattered but it was just the fact that I was leaving her alone then. In a state where she was begging people to talk to her, somehow the ones whom she cared for very dearly - they were the ones who deserted her when she needed them the most. I have no clue how and why our talk began but since then, I try my best to know if or not she is fine each day n night. There are times when she cries and she tells me the next day and I can't help feeling more miserable just because she was in a helpless state. Its strange - very strange. She misses me still and is lonely - its unfortunate that the people very close to her don't see it clear whereas I do and I still can't do anything. When leaving India, I always wanted to have this thing as the last activity - the song "Leaving on a jetplane" - this was the one which I wanted to just sing or say 'give it out' to everyone who mattered to me the most but then, even before I left office - it was this song that landed in my inbox with the accompanying words reading that she'd miss me. I was in tears reading that and especially seeing that song - I didn't expect my words that I chose for others to actually come to me from somebody else. I actually wept when I spoke to her from the airport - not because I felt weak but because it was her who was getting weaker and lonelier and I felt bad about that and I still do. She said that the accessibility reduces further and I always told her that things won't change much with me in another country. Have kept my word - things haven't changed seriously - the calls might have become a bit short but I still call frequently. Funny part - we have never met each other and yet, we know a lot about one another. This time, this friendship is going to stay forever and I can personally guarantee that.

I know how it feels to BE lonely - to sit staring at the phone wondering when it'd reach and sometimes looking at the contact list on messenger expecting somebody to just ping and start talking. Its been 8 years now and since then, all I tried doing was atleast giving company to those who needed it. Friends n strangers seven seas across have felt great when I have called them out of the blue - I could see that happiness everytime I have spoken and here, sitting in Tokyo - this is the first time I am feeling it for myself. Am more of a person who calls up and so, I am still doing that. But it those 'sometimes' that disturb, when I begin to wonder - "Are they not missing me like how I am". People who used to be around almost everyday, the ones whose presence has now transformed into absence - can they not feel that strange space or that "change" suddenly around them. The answer turns out to be loud that I am NOT missed and it sometimes hits me bad. Made one such distant phonecall today when I was disturbed and somehow strangely, that disturbance was perceived over this phoneline. After I put down the phone, I cried
helplessly. I was feeling alone and I still do with nobody to help me get over that.

No - I cannot get used to "missing people" and "living with loneliness" but if challenged, I can definitely leave it all behind and get back to hiding again :-/

Period

Screwed it up again today - just now rather... It has happened not once or twice but multiple times I think. Have no clue why the age old past had to meddle with me when my present is in bad shape and now, when I tried to connect to the past again - I am left disappointed. I desperately need a way to kill that urge in me which deals with re-connecting n repairing all the severed connections that I ever come across. I want to isolate myself.

I wish people knew what they were doing and they actually did things which mattered to them and made a difference to somebody or something. I have always believed that a person loses a right to live if he matters *of* nobody and he matters *to* nobody.
I don't think its any tough to decipher what I want for myself after having spoken that line above along with the wish that 'I wish to isolate' - I know that what I write is confusing enough but I still wish that it makes sense to someone.

Push?

I know I am pushing it too far. Maybe I do it always but then, I have always had my reasons to do it. And, I still have them intact this time too - here, there and everywhere. I was asked to let go and I haven't been able to do that for years, months and days now. I sit here confused wondering what next to do and also thinking how long this will go on.

With each passing day, that fighting spirit in me is dying down slowly - the one that is pushing me and is keeping me stuck - its lessening in strength. That Goa trip last weekend was an impulsive decision because I wanted to break free from the words, accusations, fears and maybe myself. I was able to do that, partly actually - I enjoyed there most when I was all alone and am already thinking where to head next on a trip alone again.

Had picked these lines from a blog which no longer exists - I wonder why the author deleted it but then, here they go -

There comes a point in your life, when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. So I am not worrying about the people from my past, there's a good reason they didn't make it to my future.

The words fit the bill perfectly.
I might break soon - it won't be me responsible but it'll be "you" and trust me, it'll be too late by then.

Iris by Goo Goo Dolls comes to my mind again...

Three different things that are connected

It hurts to know that you hurt someone unknowingly and when there is nothing you can do about it, you just can't react to such situations.

Inflicted pain to self is the sweetest thing that can happen to anyone - don't ask me why.

Change is possible.